I should probably be doing homework right now. There's kind of a lot of it. • Bio longtest
• Bio handwritten lab report
• Geom homework
It doesn't seem like a lot. But it is. Seriously.
I'd get to it, but I'm kind of mentally/emotionally unfit to do anything properly.
Because I miss him, I guess. And from what I've heard, he's seriously taking the effort to avoid me.
I don't know which of the two hurts more.
I think I should maybe talk to him. But then, he's been great. Happy. Without me. And as difficult as things are for me, they're great for him. And I don't want to ruin that. He deserves every happiness, even if it means not having me around.
But I have to come to a decision.
I haven't been doing well. Emotionally, I've been unstable. Things have been very rocky for me. I'm always, always depressed. Though, it's way too easy to go around pretending I'm okay.
I don't want to worry people. I'm not exactly in a bad place right now. My whole family's okay. Though my dad's abroad now, and my brother will be flying off tomorrow morning. I should be okay.
I can't believe I'm allowing myself to be so affected by all of this. It's dangerous.
I miss him, and everything that was so beautiful and wonderful that we had. And I love him so much, the love just pours out of me whenever I see him. And I'm terrified for my dad and my brother, and for my mom, too, because she'll be the most stressed and worried of all of us.
I don't think I'm fit to go to school tomorrow, honestly. Though there are all those requirements waiting for me.
There's no way out of it, though. I'm obligated to be there, for my own sake, for the sake of the teachers that willhave to work doubly to compensate, for the sake of my parents who work to have me educated, and for the sake of the groupmates who will be affected by my absence.
There is so much I have to do for others; I can't seem to find the time to fix myself.
And even if I did, I wouldn't know how. Do I talk to him? Do I move on? Because, at this rate, I have no closure. I can't go anywhere, knowing that I'm leaving things broken.
I want to know what to do. I want to know how to make everyone happy. But in trying to please everyone, you please no one.
Maybe it's right that I think of myself first.
I'm so tired. |